HERE'S what I'm struggling with
“There is always a struggle, a striving for something bigger than yourself in all forms of art. And even if you don't achieve greatness, even if you fail, which we all must, everything you do in your work is somehow connected with your attitude toward life...”
We have a few weeks to go in this year's Find Your Joy course. It has been an amazing group - full of passion and energy and willing to push themselves beyond their current capabilities. Students come into the course with a whole host of limiting beliefs, but perhaps the most damaging is this: they believe art-making is easy for some of us.
They look at artists they admire, and they make the assumption that those artists do not struggle. They imagine a relatively smooth ride from idea to finished painting. They imagine long, happy days spent in a light-filled studio, where finished paintings are stacked against a wall, ready for the next gallery show. They think these artists are constantly having new ideas and that they have all the skills they need to execute them.
This is a problem because, when they compare themselves to this ideas, they find themselves lacking. The thinking goes “I never have an idea before I start painting, therefore I must not have talent” or “I make a lot of ugly paintings so I must not have talent” or “my paintings take months to finish so I must not have talent.” Other limiting beliefs might include
A gallery once rejected my work so I don’t have talent
Nobody has bought a painting yet so I don’t have talent
My paintings get really muddy and lost in the middle stages so (repeat after me!)
Perhaps the biggest limitation I see among newer artists is the belief that because they struggle with their work, they are not ‘real artists.’
The truth is that those perfect artists wafting around light-filled studios DO NOT exist. There is no artists worth their salt who doesn’t struggle. There is no artist alive who doesn’t make messy paintings; there is no artist alive who doesn’t doubt themselves; and there is no artist alive who doesn’t struggle with their creativity sometimes.
These are not signs there is something wrong with you - they are signs that you are an artist!
I believe the work of an artist is to find a way to express something that they haven’t yet expressed, so that it shines a light for other people and helps them see or feel something.
And I believe the Rex Harrison quote that started this email; I think we are here to reach for something bigger than ourselves. We might never achieve the greatness he speaks of, but by trying, we expand our life and we expand the impact we have on others’ lives.
I think this means we are always ‘failing’ - I think it means we ‘fail’ as much as we succeed. And I put the word fail in speech marks because I don’t even think failing is failing. I think failing to achieve our original vision is just one of the steps on the way to achieving it.
But if we believe our ‘failures’ mean we can never succeed, we will give up at the first or second hurdle.
To bring this idea down to earth, let’s take a visit to my studio. Lately, I’ve been wondering if I’ll ever achieve the elusive thing I’m chasing. For the last few years, I’ve had a fascination with the idea of fully expressing myself - putting my entire insides onto a painted surface, without any pretence or artifice. This is a huge ask for me - I am a private person and I rarely let others see what’s really going on with me. I have spent a lifetime learning how to paper over cracks and smooth out rough edges. Like so many women, I have always tried to be the Good Girl, the one who doesn’t cause any problems and doesn’t make others feel uncomfortable.
So you can see why my challenge feels like such an impossible one. How do I go from one extreme to the other? And mostly, I fail. Mostly the things I make are too self-conscious. The authentic, raw, emotional me is trying to express herself, but the analytical protective, cautious me gets in the way.
Every now and then, I will take a large cheap sheet of paper and start applying paint without any thought or consideration. I haven’t yet pinpointed the conditions that make this possible, but just occasionally, I pull out a roll of cheap paper and let loose with brushes and paint. On those rare occasions, I make something that is raw, and messy and truly honest, like this:
These paintings feel like breakthroughs. I feel sure I’m onto something. They’re not fully what I’m aiming for - but they feel like a step on the right path.
And so I return to my studio filled with enthusiasm and excitement. I prep some wooden panels and lay out my paints and tools, and that’s when I stumble. My brain kicks into gear, trying to find ways to make prettier, more conventional, more 'acceptable paintings. It happens below the surface of my consciousness, so it doesn’t seem (yet) to be something I can stop.
At this stage, some of my students ask for help. Their questions always begin with “how do I…?”
How do I make an abstract landscape without a horizon line?
How do I combine abstraction and realism?
How do I express my emotions in paint?
And I reply: “I don’t know… how do you? This is your job now.”
The job of an artist is not to make pictures. The job of an artist is to set themself a challenge and then start figuring it out.
The figuring out is the point. When we see a body of work made this way, we can feel your figuring out (like seeing the workings of a maths puzzle) and we love you for doing the work we couldn’t do. You have answered questions we didn’t know we were asking.
So, if you are struggling, well done! If you are failing, great job! These are the signs that you are doing the work you’re here to do. I don't yet know how to make something that expresses all I want to say. I don't yet know how to quiet the controlling part of my brain. But this does not mean that I never will .... I'm just not there quite yet.