I'm lost and it feels amazing
It isn’t until the painter has no idea what he’s doing that he makes good paintings.
—Edgar Degas
I am taking heart from this quote, because a) I believe it to be true and b) I have no idea what I'm doing so I hope it's true. Lol.
Since 2015, I have been drawn to self-portraits. That's the year I made a self-portrait a day for a whole year. Once the year ended, I stopped drawing myself and went back to painting landscapes, then abstracts. There are all sorts of reasons for stopping that project - I was tired of looking at myself, I needed something new, and commercially speaking, I couldn't see a future in images of myself.
That's still the case of course - I can't see yet how this project can result in saleable paintings - and yet I find myself drawn back to self-portraiture.
This time, I've decided not to care about the things that stopped me last time.
I've decided not to ask myself 'what's the point?' and I've decided not to listen to the voice that says "who wants to look at you?" and especially to ignore the one that says "isn't this all a bit self-indulgent?"
I ignore them because it's the only way to keep going. If I stopped to actually listen, my answers would be "I don't know," "I can't imagine" and "probably." None of which would be helpful to me in actually getting into my studio to make work!
These paintings are a reminder to me. A reminder that we simply don't need to know why we're doing things. Our logical mind is rubbish anyway! It constantly sends us in the wrong direction and deludes us into thinking we have control over things we don't. It's like a really annoying idiot who is convinced of its own genius!
Intuition, on the other hand, has never led me wrong. It has only ever been considerate guide, gently showing me the next step. It never shares the whole plan and that can be a bit annoying if I'm honest. But the truth is we can't actually handle all the information at once.
Imagine if intuition told 18-year old you everything that would unfold. If you're anything like me, you'd make different choices to avoid the painful bits ... and yet those painful bits have made you who you are. You can see that now in hindsight, right? So 18-year old you would have been wrong, and would have denied herself so much just to avoid a little pain here and there.
Maybe this is getting a little convoluted, but what I'm trying to say is that intuition protects us by not showing us the whole plan. It just gives us little signposts to follow. Each step of the way, it reveals a little more - but ONLY if we have taken action and followed those signposts.
My signposts say this is the way forward and so here I am - surrounded by unfinished paintings of myself, with little idea of why, and no idea of where they are going or what they will eventually look like. Perhaps most importantly, I have no idea what they are FOR. I can't see myself putting them up for sale on my website and I am not sure I can see an exhibition entirely of me.
Once upon a time I would have found all that terrifying. Now I find it delicious. Because there IS a reason for this. I can feel it in my bones. And the only way to discover what it is, is to go on the journey.
