The Real Reason My Paintings Weren’t Working

I heard something on a podcast this week that really stuck with me. The guest was a writer called Amie McKnee and she said:

“Art is an invitation to look at the narratives that are keeping us small.”

And suddenly the penny dropped. I thought — yes. That’s it! That's what has been happening for me.

Lately, I’ve been making a lot of small collages. Nothing fancy. I didn’t plan them, and I didn’t know where they were going — I just felt the pull to play. So I listened.

And without meaning to, these little scraps of paper started showing me something huge.

They’ve helped me see my paintings more clearly — not just the paintings themselves, but what’s going wrong in them. I’ve realised I have a habit of overcomplicating things. I keep adding more. I smooth the edges. I make it nice. I say that I want honesty and raw emotion in my work… but then when things feel too raw, too exposed, I cover them up.

And the annoying part? It’s exactly what I do in life too.

I smooth the edges of myself. I try not to take up too much space. I make things more palatable — tone myself down just a little, keep things looking controlled. As a child, I learned that if I showed too much, or said too much, I might be “too much.”

I'm sure many British people of my generation learned the same lessons - this isn't unique to me. Our parents and teachers were very good at teaching us good manners and complicity, but they placed little to no value on self-expression. 

So we all learned to edit, to tidy, to soften.

And for a long time, I carried that habit right into my art. So each time something raw and powerful showed up, I layered over it with something more acceptable, all the while wishing my work could be more expressive!.

But now — maybe for the first time — I’m really seeing it. And I’m starting to push back.

The process of layering papers on these small collages has been eye-opening. I have noticed my tendency to smooth the edges, and my urge to over-complicate a simple statement. I’m seeing how my old process — building up layers slowly, carefully — might not be what I need anymore. It’s a process I developed when I was still trying to hide. And now, I want something else.

I want honesty. I want immediacy. I want to show what’s really there, not just what looks good.

And it's become obvious that, if I want to be more honest in my art… I also have to be more honest in my life. The two are completely linked. One can’t shift without the other.

That's why I wanted to write this newsletter today — because it’s easy to get caught up in whether something is “working,” or whether it’s “good,” or “finished.” But honestly? None of that matters as much as this:

• Am I telling the truth? 

• Am I showing up as myself?

• Is my art helping me get closer to me?

For me, that’s the most important reason to make anything. Not to get compliments, or sell paintings or win prizes (although sure, those things are lovely). But because the act of making teaches us who we are. It helps us unpick the old stories and try out some new ones.

And maybe — by doing that — we help someone else do the same.

So here’s a little invitation this week:

Where are you still editing yourself — in your art, or in your life?

What story are you still believing — and is it actually true?

And maybe… what if you could stop tidying? Just for a bit.