It's so frustrating! But it feels so good :)

There's a real magic to the process of making art. And one of the magical things is that the paintings that give us the most trouble are also the ones that have the most to offer.

I used to get so frustrated when a painting didn't go well. I'd see it as a reflection of me - it felt like the painting was showing me all the ways in which I was inadequate. "If you had more talent, you could resolve this" a little voice would say ... and I would believe it.

But after reading lots of artist biographies, I realised that every artist struggles. It's the nature of what we do - we are creating things that have never existed before, so of course it's hard. Of course we mess up.

For me this looks like choosing a colour that doesn't work, or struggling to get proportions right, or trying a technique that doesn't convey the right feeling. Or sometimes all of these in one painting!

That brings us to this week.

I'm working on a series based on old family photos. The initial works were a combination of paint, charcoal and soft pastels, but I decided to stretch myself into working mainly with paint. This was a stretch because the charcoal and pastels were allowing me to create a strong feeling of times gone by. Something about the limited colour as well as the textures gave a feeling of ghostly figures that were both there are not there.

Once I switched to paint, I was confronted with new challenges. The paint is solid. It does not give the same feeling of impermanence. I needed to find new strategies; new ways of working.

I tried sanding but didn't get the textures I was looking for. I tried fragmenting the figures but this resulted in an image that looked confusing rather than evocative. I tried whitewashing, but again, the feeling wasn't right. And in the midst of these changes, I kept losing my original drawing, so I'd suddenly realise things had got out of proportion - an arm was too thin, or a leg was in the wrong place.

Here are just a few of the versions that appeared last week

After a week of work, I am closer to where I want to be and I have glimpses of where I might be going - but they are only glimpses ... nothing solid yet.

I think so far I have spent about 50 hours on this painting and there will be more to come next week. BUT, and - and here is my message for this week - it's all good. There are so many benefits accruing to me as a result of the work I've put in. None of it is wasted.

After each failure, I made notes in my studio journal. Ideas also formed for different approaches, some of which I will try in the coming week.

If I didn't have the struggles, I wouldn't get to to the new ideas ... and this is why I welcome the paintings that challenge me. They force me to push myself. They teach me new lessons. It may feel frustrating in the moment but in these struggles, we are being forged anew. When the battle ends, we emerge stronger, wiser and with more tools under our belt. 

And this is why making art is such a magical process - there really is no such thing as a bad painting day - or even a bad painting week. There are all just opportunities for growth.